Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
