Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
