My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
