I'm so fucking centered right now
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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