I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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