she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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