She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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