I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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