it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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