i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
