I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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