Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
