my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
