hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
