Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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