That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
