You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
