if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
