just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
