Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
