You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
