you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
