A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
