quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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