Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
