I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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