Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize