so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
accomplished twins. life is a go
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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