____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
