remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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