Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We don't watch enough power rangers
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
