someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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