No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
