yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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