you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize