I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
