I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
tell me about the fingering
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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