Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize