Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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