I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
