you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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