Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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