Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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