btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he was CRYING into my vagina
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
