my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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