I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
