wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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