she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
