i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
