Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
