bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
