Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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