Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Every concussion has its silver lining
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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