I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
