Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize