My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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