not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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