my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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