The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We're too hungover to prance.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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